The waiting

In an earlier post, I had alluded to how difficult it was to leave Svetlana behind,without elaborating. In that post, I said I'd comment later on what, exactly, made it so hard. It took me a while, frankly, to realize (or at least to be able to articulate) the real source of the difficulty. I should note here that I don't speak for Alesa on this issue. In the next paragraph, I disclaim two considerations as sources of my stress. At least as to the first of those, Alesa's experience varies from mine.

The difficulty is not, for me, the routine difficulty of being separated from one's child -- we have, after all spent mere hours with her; once home and back into our daily routine, I can't say that I felt her absence (which is not to say that I don't think of her -- I do, many times a day). And as I've said, it's not concern for her welfare in the interim -- I'm quite confident about that.

Instead, what makes it so hard is the uncertainty and lack of control over the ultimate outcome. While the chances we would lose Phoebe at this point are small, they're not non-existent. Until we're on a plane out of Russia with her, papers and all, I'll be a bit stressed about it.